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My Pathetic Search for a Silver Lining

September 20, 2010

Mondays aren’t great for me.  I realize this doesn’t make me special.  What does make me special is that I forget this every single week.  I even tend to wonder, each Monday at around 3am, why my waking insomnia has struck again after almost a week’s dormancy.  My analytical prowess doesn’t wake up until 7:30 or so, so this takes me by surprise every time.

On top of the typical weekly malaise, there are a few other factors teaming up against me at the moment, making me less awesome than my full potential might allow.  These include, in no particular order:

  • a minor but nagging back injury that is really hosing up my yoga,
  • Boyfriend’s impending takeover of a substantial portion of my flat, compounded by his continued lack of passport and my increasing need for a real vacation,
  • the onset of autumn against a litany of unfinished summertime home repairs,
  • a rotten job that promises only to become more and more an absurd waste of my talents as time marches steadily on,
  • and now, apparently, a weak spleen.

I don’t really feel up to elaborating on most of these at the moment, but I do need to talk out this spleen nonsense.  I did not seek out an acupuncturist expecting any spleen-related diagnoses.  I did so in a very “oh what the hell” sort of fashion after a chiropractor mentioned trying one herself to loosen/free/melt/dissolve/blast/whatever the weird knotty adhesions out of her shoulders.  Well I have more weird knotty adhesions than anyone you’ve ever accidentally touched on the shoulder before recoiling in disgust at the fibrous masses between her skin and scapulae, many of which have been undeterred by years of chiropractic care and a recent string of painful massages, so I figured, as mentioned earlier, “oh what the hell.”

Having never tried acupuncture before, and not being a huge fan of needles, I was a tad trepidant about the whole ordeal.  (As an aside, did you know that “trepidatious” is not a word, but “trepidant” is?  I didn’t.  Now I do.  So do you.  You’re welcome!)  After looking through my initial questionnaire and jotting down many notes in Chinese on what I assume was my chart, but may just as well have been her grocery list, the acupuncturist asked me to stick out my tongue.  I complied, not only because this would provide a welcomed sense of medical legitimacy to the whole process, but also to be polite.

“Oh, you very tired!” she exclaimed, “Why you not sleeping?”

She then asked a few rather personal questions about my digestive tendencies before proclaiming “You having very weak spleen.  Probably you don’t know Chinese medicine.  Spleen doesn’t mean ‘spleen.’  Spleen just means ‘digestion.’  It will get better.”  Suddenly the congealing of all of the muscle tissue within 10 inches of my thoracic spine took a back seat to this apparently critical spleen issue.  The treatment itself did not hurt at all, and was in fact extremely relaxing.  I’m not sure what pattern there was to the placement of the needles except that there seemed to be many in my ears, and a number of others jabbed haphazardly into any area we’d talked about in our earlier discussion -all over my neck and shoulders, in the spot pained by the aforementioned back injury, in my right hamstring, and, most interestingly, in a spot on my leg the chiropractor had pointed out as being the offensively weak shin muscle whose lapses in integrity both structural and moral had apparently allowed my arches to fall when I wasn’t looking.  This is only interesting because I didn’t mention it to the acupuncturist – she just touched my feet, then moved back toward my shins and stabbed me a couple of times for good measure.

After what I presume was the promised 30 minutes, she returned to de-quill me and asked if I’d slept while she was gone.  When I said I had not, she replied “Oh! You too tense!  You should have take nap!”  I will admit that my neck-knots were somewhat softer than they’d been earlier, but mostly I just felt loopy as all hell.

All of that’s a giant tangent distracting both of us from the intention of this post, which is to identify the worst offenders against This Day and counter each with something that did not suck.  Spleen notwithstanding.

  1. It was Monday, and there’s no undoing that.  But I did eat three mini York peppermint patties this afternoon.
  2. I had two completely different yet equally irritating requests for assistance at work today from two completely different yet equally irritating people who should be able to perform their own job functions far more competently than they do.  But I got to make someone annoying feel like an asshole.  And I’ll get to do that again tomorrow with a completely different asshole.
  3. My lunch of leftover curried beans and sweet potatoes was disappointingly dry.  But my breakfast of leftover masala potatoes covered in fresh oozing runny just-barely-cooked egg was bleeping amazing.
  4. Boy had band practice tonight and couldn’t come over and entertain me.  This is bad and good at once all by itself, but that this allowed me to eat cheese* for dinner without anyone knowing tips it way into the Pro category.
  5. My neck stiffened up like a … like an inappropriate metaphor… or like a bag of Sakrete with a little hole in it left out in the rain accidentally before it hardens into a nearly-unmovable block of awkward lump-shape covered in a disintegrating paper bag and stuck at the bottom to something you should not have left a bag of Sakrete on before a rainstorm.  Like your deck.  Or the bed of your new truck.  Or a Renoir on loan from a museum’s permanent collection.  But I have another acupuncture appointment tomorrow, and this will provide me with a good test case to try to prove or refute its efficacy.

Here’s to Tuesday.

* That’s the actual cheese I called a meal tonight – Carr Valley Baby Cheddar – and holy spleens on a stick is it good.  Why you no try?

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