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Bruce and the Cat’s Butt

March 26, 2012

I came home tonight after a morning’s practice, a long day at work, a painfully gratifying chiropractor’s visit, and finally a cozy Intro class (“cozy” is the Sanskrit for “only two people showed up”) to find a large box in my living room. Sensing immediately what it would be (How could “Estimated Delivery Date March 27-April 11” be okay in this day and age? Only delivering on the 26th could make that kind of wish-washery acceptable!), I threw down my bajillion bags of yoga clothes, work clothes, and breakfast, lunch, and dinner containers (latter-day vagabond that I am) and immediately sliced through the layers of packing tape to find a box within the box. There was another box inside that one, but I hadn’t gotten there yet. What this second box said was simply “BRUCE.” Then the innermost box said the word I’d been dying to read for almost a week (life is hard):

Vita-mix

Immediately I began unpacking my new treasure, dancing around the kitchen singing (Think Isaac Hayes, but a thirty something white chick in yoga pants dancing with a blender):

‘Cause it’s smoothie night,

and the time is right

for makin’ smoothieeeeees.

(Smoothies!)”

I hate that I have to be my own backup singer. Especially because I make sure to chime in whenever Boyfriend sings, harmonizing, parodying, suggesting better songs to sing, and generally being helpful.

I quickly washed Bruce (oh yes, he’s been named already) and began slicing a papaya to get the night moving. A cucumber, some kale, a few sprigs of pineapple sage and a dash of chia seeds later, and Bruce and I were getting our smoothie on. I could tell immediately that the Vitamix was about to join my iMac on the short list of Expensive Things I Want to Think Aren’t Worth the Money Because I’m Cheap, but Which are, In Reality, Awesome.

In an apparent attempt to bring me back to earth, or perhaps out of jealousy of Bruce (or maybe just to make conversation), Boyfriend did this to me:

When I came home tonight, both the cats were on tables. Wahla was on the kitchen table. Lola was on the computer table. Her asshole was on your mousepad. I thought you should know.

The iMac really propelled the computer table ahead of the kitchen table on the list of THINGS CATS CAN NEVER BE ON IN MY HOUSE. The only other item on that list is “Kitchen Counters.” Honestly, they have the run of the damned house, and here I am wiping my computer peripherals down with rubbing alcohol.

Good thing that kale smoothie is a great immune booster!

(And, goodnight.)

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. March 27, 2012 7:50 am

    you are part of club at last! welcome.

  2. March 27, 2012 2:39 pm

    Bruce will never disappoint you.

  3. March 27, 2012 6:16 pm

    Oh, that smoothie was so smooooooth. The Ninja really just made chunkies. And there’s a reason no one sells fresh made chunkies at chic-chic juice joints. I’m in love with Bruce already!

  4. March 28, 2012 7:39 am

    Love the name!! Enjoy your new bundle of joy 🙂

  5. April 19, 2012 6:53 am

    I love my Vitamix. Love it, love it, love it.

    • April 19, 2012 6:55 pm

      I’m head over heels! I wish I had understood just how special it would be. But how does one explain a sunset in words?

      • April 20, 2012 4:48 pm

        Try this:

        One butternut squash, peeled and chopped in big chunks
        One green apple, halved
        Two carrots
        One celery stick
        A bit of sea salt
        Cinnamon (yeah, I know, but it strangely works)

        You can set it full power and full speed so that it cooks or blend it all and then warm it up on the stove (I can’t subject my neighbours to 5 mins of full speed Vitamix noise).

  6. April 21, 2012 8:11 pm

    That sounds awesome! I can definitely imagine the cinnamon working in that. I think I’m with you on the blend, then heat route. Cooking in a blender is a little more than I’m ready for 😉

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