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Guide to Successfully Breaking a Girl’s Heart

July 13, 2014

Do: Call things off while they’re still going well so the pain will be unexpected and acute. For extra impact, the reason should be valid so she cannot logically hold you to blame for anything. 


Do: Remain uncommonly close friends. Confide in her for everything. Let her share in all of your pain.


Do: Make casual plans with her. Break them. Forgetting you even had plans is the most effective means, but a last-minute text is also acceptable.


Do: Reschedule, bringing a thoughtful gift to make up for your earlier lack of consideration. It’s important to keep extend the ride on this rickety, broken-down wooden roller-coaster for as long as possible, you fucking emotional carny. 


Don’t: Do not ever tell her directly how you feel. Women hate knowing where they stand! Instead, make ambiguous comments about how important she is to you, preferably via text and sandwiched between two crass jokes. 


Don’t: When you finally do follow through on a plan, don’t tell her she looks nice when you first see her. That’s too predictable. Instead, send her a text some time after parting so she can stay up wondering why you’re still thinking about her.


Do: Casual hugs good night are for women you’ve never bothered destroying. When you’re breaking a girl’s heart, be sure to make that hug awkwardly long. Give her a chance to remember when you used to cuddle on the couch for hours. Girls love bittersweet nostalgia! For best results, give her a kiss right on the lips and walk away. That should leave her questioning every decision she’s ever made!


Remember, hearts are easy to bruise, but actually quite difficult to break entirely. But with proper technique and enough diligence, you should be able to effectively ruin her!

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